Why yes, the person who spilled their container of salad at the grocery store tonight- squatting down in a sad little hunch as she attempted to gather broccoli, cucumbers, and lettuce into a neat pile, so shoppers wouldn’t run over them even further, making a mess that much messier- was indeed me.
Welcome to my day. Strewn salad, sad squats.
I call it an exercise in humanity.
And humility if we are being honest.
I am stretching my limbs and pointing my toes to reach as far as possible into the depths of the human experience. Becoming bigger, wider, taller, as I seek to encompass the full spectrum of what it is to walk the trail of a true human being as they say in Dances With Wolves. To simply breathe and embrace my all, even if that all feels ungood.
Perhaps a less glamorous way of putting that is saying I am a hot mess today.
Discouragement, insecurity, stress, exhaustion. I think overwhelmed would be an appropriate caption, as I smacked straight into a wall I sensed was approaching but still wasn’t quite expecting.
After almost passing out at work from hunger (note to self, must pack more than 2 tangerines and a cliff bar for lunch no matter how late one is running) and an incredible amount of stress, I have taken a long pause.
If you are waiting for the conclusion to this pause, I don’t have it.
I’m still pausing.
Floating somewhere between a deep breath and the realization that at times I do a poor job of caring for myself.
I tend to be expansive. Limits are hard for me. I take on more than I probably should. And figure out where the shoulds lay when I smack into walls.
I do a lot because I can. Without always stopping to consider that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. (*insert wall smacking sound here*) I’m not sure where that leaves me.
I guess in my sad squat at the grocers, as I attempt to mop spilled salad and search for my sense of humor who is floating above me laughing at it all.
This is what it means to be human I think. Moments such as these.
Moments where we smack into our limitations and realize one person can only do so much.
Moments of imperfection. Moments of embarrassment. Moments of looking silly, a bit pathetic and like we don’t have it together as a stray cucumber slice rolls along the linoleum and finds a resting place under the nearby display of generic holiday pies.
I think the last shred of “No I’m good, I’ve got this” rolled right on along with that cucumber. I’m not good actually.
I’m tired. I’ve been working myself too hard. I’ve got an ocean of grief from a dead dog and the loss of my best friend that I haven’t had space to process.
Life has changed on a dime and I am running as fast as I can to change with it. There’s been little time for pause. So I’m not all that sure that I’m good.
But I do know that I’m human. And that is okay.
I think there are the days where we are able to access our best self. Some might call it our higher self. Our divine self. The self that knows what it is to love unconditionally and gaze at the world through eyes of compassion that somehow know.
Know how to rise above. How to see the bigger picture. How to connect with our most beautiful spiritual self. How to find joy in sorrow.
Then there are the days where what we access is what it is to be human. Forget the eyes of compassion, the higher all knowing self, the joy in sorrow, the spark of the divine. Who has time for divinity when you are scooping chickpeas and carrots off a dirty, trudged upon, slippery, slush filled floor?
Here’s what I know right here, right now, in my moment of profound humanness. I may not be “good,” but I am good.
Good in the sense that I am listening to what myself has to say.
Good in the sense that despite all the bumps of the day, somewhere deep down I really do view times like these as a way to extend ourselves even further into the reach of humanity.
Good in the sense that I believe it is just as important to honor our tired, exhausted, salad strewn self as it is to honor our shinier, more put together, higher self.
Good in the sense that says it’s okay to have a hard day. Without justification, qualification, or rationalization.
You don’t always have to be “good.” Some days you just have to be. And that is enough. It is okay to be human. It is okay to figure it out as you go along. It is okay to just be.
And on the very hard days where you are chasing cucumber slices across the floor and watching broccoli florets merrily bounce along worn tile? That is okay too. Sometimes Life needs a bit of bounce.
There are always new salads to be made.