I am removing myself from polite society today.
Trust me, if you could see the storm clouds hanging over my head at present, you too would agree that I should probably take a time out and go sit quietly in a corner until I am ready to play nicely with everyone.
I had an image of how Winter Solstice would go in my mind, though this is not quite it.
I would greet the day calmly, with joy in my heart for the shortest day of the year and excitement for the return to light.
I would smile as I considered the fact that I am getting on a plane tonight to go spend the holidays in warmer fare, my spirit rejuvenated simply by the thought of sun.
I would hold kindness in my heart for the beauty of this world and the gifts that come with winter. Soft white snow. The icy blues, pale pinks, muted grays, and soft lavenders that only grace us with their presence this time of year.
As I sipped on my morning coffee I would work on a piece I have been composing on spirituality. Thoughtful, beautiful, it’s called The Sphere. My ideas on human connection. We each stand around this wonderful, complex, multi dimensional sphere of humanity, everyone looking at the facet laid before them and sharing their interpretations, their truths, their stories of it’s planes and angles. There is such wisdom in our shared collective experiences.
There was even a nice line about how no matter what angle you are looking at, in the end our stories almost always come down to love.
Really good stuff.
Which is why I’m a little baffled at the state of affairs where I landed in the middle of what was probably my grumpiest day in months. A day where one may have had a long argument with her computer involving some fairly crude, obscene language. Followed by a less than delightful run in the futile piles of unplowed snow, where one once again engaged in some fairly crude and obscene language, before defiantly walking a good portion to get back home and yelling “I quit” into the skies above.
I’m still not sure what I quit. The run. This day. Life… But it was a resignation of some sort.
If you know anything about me, whether you know me personally or you simply read the words I post, you will know how unusual my low mood and cranky actions are. Which is why I am wondering if I really have snapped, and have thus concluded I am not currently fit for polite society. Hence I quarantined myself as best I could, and tried to go quietly about my day keeping mostly to myself, lest my cloud of storminess start to rub off on others and prove to be contagious.
If Eeyore lived close by, I’d go hang out with him and we could lament about the current state of affairs.
I read something today that said our pain- emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, whatever means it arrives- is here to bring us a message. Our job is to listen.
I have generally found this to be true, and I would say that even if my current mood is magnified by the season and the harsh winter conditions, that underneath is a young girl who feels very tired, very worn down, and who is wondering if she will ever fully get her needs for nurture, care, and sustenance met.
You see, there is something here I would like to write about that is contributing to this general state, but these posts are no longer the anonymous pastures they once were where I felt free to wander at will, without regard for censoring. They have become a bit more public, and though I welcome anyone who has the heart and attention span to read, I am also aware that disclosure on some topics impacts more than just myself. Especially if the root information is not really mine to disclose.
So I have been writing a bit less as of late, because that which weighs upon my heart is things I am not fully in a position to write about.
Suffice it to say, I have had a heavy heart since around Thanksgiving and between what’s going on in that corner of my woods, the continued grief over the loss of Best Friend, the nature of my job, and my own struggle to set good boundaries with time and energy expenditure, I am afraid I may have snapped when I shouted “I quit.”
Which is why I removed myself from polite society today.
It’s a temporary decision I am sure. I am hoping this trend will soon reverse when I see the ocean and sunshine. That with the increase of light, a lightness will return to my heart and an ease in my breaths that Life, the Sphere, is so much bigger than the tiny scratches on the facet I see before my limited gaze, which I am currently focusing so many of my attentions on.
If my higher self (you know, the part of myself that doesn’t scream obscenities at the computer, tell the snow to **** off, or cry intermittently throughout the day) could have a conversation with my quarantined self right now, she would probably tell me that despite my beautiful expectations of day, there is nothing wrong with having a day of darkness on the day where darkness is prevalent and light is scarce.
She would remind me of the struggles of this past summer and tell me that ravens come in the night to bring light to what is dark within. She would tell me that the root cause of some of my pain is this large unspoken, hanging out there, troubling my spirit. She would tell me there is a reason I have been waking up around 3 or 4 am for weeks now, and that I will continue to do so if I don’t take the time to really listen.
She would tell me to wear sweats on the plane, to pack light, to let go of appearance and extras for the next few weeks. She would tell me to write only if I want to write.
She would remind me Life is giving me an opportunity to find healing through compassionate boundaries and diving into the eye of the storm that’s been troubling me. She would tell me not to throw away this day, this Querulous Solstice, as a no good, terrible, horrible, bad, bad, day, and instead listen to what’s underneath my ire.
And I think she would definitely congratulate me on doing a really good job being very human and remind me, I am here for me. To discover myself. To learn to love myself.
Even the part who has currently been put into a corner and deemed unworthy for human interaction. Even her. Especially her.
However else do I think I will get my needs for nurture, care, and sustenance fully met if I don’t learn to love that part of myself?
Love is an inside job.
Even when you’ve been quarantined.
Especially when you’ve been quarantined.
So Happy Solstice. May the days from here on out bring light to the darkness. And whatever your day brought you in your part of the Sphere, I hope it brings you closer to Love.