Lately feelings flow through me like water. In and out in swishing churns, so many things swirling, I can’t hold onto any single one.
I just let them swish.
Stress, anxiety, leave-taking. Disappointment, hurt, displacement. A sense of things unraveling swiftly, yet not swift enough. Presence, wonder, brushes of spring. A soft savor of the molecule of a moment- last night’s tangerine sunset, today’s soft pink rise.
Disquiet and quiet and fatigue underneath it all that just keeps getting tamped down in endless streams of things to do.
Swish, swoosh… my multitudes lap in gentle ebbs and flows.
I talk to the trees and the sky even more these days. Transitioning between two worlds- one life unforming another not yet formed- I don’t know where I fit anymore other than knowing I always have a place in earth’s arms, always find a counterpart against the trunk of a kind tree who says it’s okay to be still and not know for awhile.
I work on building the bridge that will take me from Alaska to Hawaii, even as I struggle over the labor and wish the equipment operated with more ease. Kauai is drawing closer, and I keep wondering who I’ll be there. How life will look without endless streams of things to do, how I will look with more space to breathe, what mysteries the land holds for me.
This time last year I was wandering underneath the same patch of sky, talking to the same trees, trying to find solace in their whispers. Brent is dead, and I’ve lost my place. I didn’t fit then either; nobody knew what to say to me, how to help. Nature became my medicine; spirit my kindred; earth my container.
She holds me now. Reminds me of the rich diversity in this world and how she’s big enough to hold our all. Reminds me our whole is bigger than the sum of our parts. Reminds me I’m big enough to hold my all. Reminds me change is life’s way.
I’m learning a lot about myself in the molecules of these moments.
That you can unravel and lose yourself many times over. Only to find your way each night in the truth of a tangerine sunset.