I am sitting on my lanai, listening to the crows of the roosters and songs of the birds, and thinking about what it means to live a life where we let ourselves break in the direction life is breaking us.
It’s an old lesson for me; one I learned years ago and have repeated several times since. And the bottom line to this lesson is that while we want to think we are the ones in control- in the past I have clung to situations until my knuckles bled and my nails turned white trying to keep change from running its course- the reality is that Life is bigger than us.
And there are times where we will be asked to yield to it. Like it or not.
It’s easy to write these words in this moment.
I am 6 days into our move to Kauai, I have more avocados falling off the tree in our backyard than I know what to do with, lunch break was spent walking the dogs at the beach- life has already done a 180 degree turn from where it was a month ago when I was buried under the stress of trying to make this move happen, and in this moment life is easy.
The last major break that life brought my way was the loss of my brother, and though that still pangs and brings me grief, I am a year and a half away from the most bitter point of loss, and time- and all the huge changes his death wrought- have me writing these words in a place ripe with healing, love, and perspective.
That grief changing work of self is the piece to this picture that many people may not see- it is all too easy to look at a picture on social media of the ocean or a rainbow and think how lucky I am. And I do feel lucky. And grateful. And so blessed to be in this magic space.
But the only reason that I am here, in this beautiful place, is because when life swung its wrecking ball into my wall, I let myself break. Let myself crumble. Let myself take space to be a mess, and then let life fill me up with new pieces so I could be rearranged.
I let myself disintegrate and reintegrate and integrate, and I learned to trust the process, even when I didn’t know where the process was taking me.
For today, the process took me to Kauai. It is the light that came from all of the darkness of the past; I wouldn’t have imagined this life for myself a few years back, so thick and deep was I in the middle of loss and heart break, but now I can see if I clung instead of released that not only would I not be here, but I wouldn’t be the me that I’ve turned out to be.
And I like that me. She fought, relentlessly, for a free heart.
Dusk is thinking about settling in; it’s a cloudy day and for a moment the light broke through long enough to form the shape of a pristine blue heart. It reminds me that even in the shadows there is always hope, and if you let life break you open, you will find-
We always have more love inside, there to guide us home; sometimes you just have to remember how to turn it back round to yourself.